Stupid is a bad word in our house. We just don't say it. Well, at least we try not to. It's on the list with words like crap, sucks, idiot, shut up...words that flowed freely from my mouth a decade or two ago, much to my mom's dismay. Words that aren't "lady like" or appropriate for young mouths. Today, I'm gonna break a house rule because I feel stupid...and a word like dumb or silly doesn't cut how I'm feeling. I made a stupid mistake that really only cost our family time, gas money and aggravation, along with 2 very disappointed kids. But it also left me deep in a funk of sadness and self-loathing, and then I feel stupid for feeling so stupid. Ever been there?
Here's what went down: David and I have been discussing taking the kids to Carowinds this summer. Lily has been wanting to go for months and Luke's up for anything that includes a bathing suit. We decided last week that our window of opportunity was quickly fading and we'd better take advantage of the twilight promotion, reduced priced tickets for evening hours. The kids are too small for many rides and wear out easily so we thought a shortened, late day visit would be perfect. We bought tickets on line, shared the good news with the kids and began the Carowinds countdown. We were all really excited, one last family outing for the summer. Only, somehow I got my dates confused and thought that today was an extended hour day at the park, open until 10pm. Not so. This week they close at 6pm. Our tickets aren't good until after 4pm. Not good. Kids were dressed in swim suits, SUV packed with extra clothes and towels, we were on our way to meet David, he'd already left work...and it hit me that today was the 20th not the 19th. Crap, how stupid! I felt like such an idiot...every no-no word I've got applies to today.
I just seem to do stuff like this way too often. Locking keys in my car...running out of gas...getting stuck in the mud on the side of the road where I ran out of gas...locking us out of the house...thinking I've locked us out and spending an hour in the rain watching David do daredevil stunts to get us back in, only to find the door unlocked all along...boarding a plane with my parking garage ticket when a friend is picking my vehicle up...confusing dates for Carowinds. The kind of thing that isn't life threatening, no one gets hurt (David was little sore after scaling the balcony), but I'm left with a stupid-hangover. Ever get one of those? Where you spend way too much time beating yourself up, asking yourself and God why you made such a lame mistake, wondering where it all went wrong? I become that girl all over again. The one who dated the wrong guys and wrecked too many cars. The girl that was certain everyone expected her to do the dumb thing and tried to prove otherwise, only to fall harder. The girl easily described as book smart but short on common sense...that girl. But maybe no one has ever really seen me as just that girl, maybe no one was ever banking on my failures and dumb mistakes. I now think the only one waiting to see me fail, and keeping track when I do, is Satan himself. Not to just see me make the mistake, but to watch what I do with it. To watch me get down, wallow in my self pity, be that girl. He's the only one telling me I'm still her, or that I ever even was her to begin with. The only one tallying my stupid quotient and whispering it in my ear. The only one waiting on a day like to day to remind me of the bad boyfriends, wrecked cars, locked doors, empty gas tank, failed amusement park trips...telling me I'll always be one stupid mistake shy of who I should be.
Now, hours later the sting of my lame mistake is subsiding. The kids were very upset and begged to go anyway, but we numbed their pain with Chuck E. Cheese. Kids are resilient. We've postponed the trip to the weekend, when the park is indeed open until 10pm. Really, no big deal. But it sure felt like a big deal as I drove Lily and Luke home...wondering if they thought I was stupid, feeling like a failure. On the drive home Lily said, Mom, you made a bad mistake, but that doesn't make you an idiot. (I'd repeatedly used that word on the phone to David as I realized my big mix up). She put a "bad" word to good use.
Before I close, I've just got to add a word of thanks to David. He didn't have much to say as this mess was unfolding, I said enough for both of us. But tonight I overheard him talking to someone on the phone about our day and he repeatedly said "we"...we made a mistake, we got the days mixed up. This was all me, but I was so comforted that he said we. And he happens to think I'm the smartest chick he knows, even though he's been on the losing end (like dangling from a balcony) due to my many mistakes over the years. Thanks David.
Here's what went down: David and I have been discussing taking the kids to Carowinds this summer. Lily has been wanting to go for months and Luke's up for anything that includes a bathing suit. We decided last week that our window of opportunity was quickly fading and we'd better take advantage of the twilight promotion, reduced priced tickets for evening hours. The kids are too small for many rides and wear out easily so we thought a shortened, late day visit would be perfect. We bought tickets on line, shared the good news with the kids and began the Carowinds countdown. We were all really excited, one last family outing for the summer. Only, somehow I got my dates confused and thought that today was an extended hour day at the park, open until 10pm. Not so. This week they close at 6pm. Our tickets aren't good until after 4pm. Not good. Kids were dressed in swim suits, SUV packed with extra clothes and towels, we were on our way to meet David, he'd already left work...and it hit me that today was the 20th not the 19th. Crap, how stupid! I felt like such an idiot...every no-no word I've got applies to today.
I just seem to do stuff like this way too often. Locking keys in my car...running out of gas...getting stuck in the mud on the side of the road where I ran out of gas...locking us out of the house...thinking I've locked us out and spending an hour in the rain watching David do daredevil stunts to get us back in, only to find the door unlocked all along...boarding a plane with my parking garage ticket when a friend is picking my vehicle up...confusing dates for Carowinds. The kind of thing that isn't life threatening, no one gets hurt (David was little sore after scaling the balcony), but I'm left with a stupid-hangover. Ever get one of those? Where you spend way too much time beating yourself up, asking yourself and God why you made such a lame mistake, wondering where it all went wrong? I become that girl all over again. The one who dated the wrong guys and wrecked too many cars. The girl that was certain everyone expected her to do the dumb thing and tried to prove otherwise, only to fall harder. The girl easily described as book smart but short on common sense...that girl. But maybe no one has ever really seen me as just that girl, maybe no one was ever banking on my failures and dumb mistakes. I now think the only one waiting to see me fail, and keeping track when I do, is Satan himself. Not to just see me make the mistake, but to watch what I do with it. To watch me get down, wallow in my self pity, be that girl. He's the only one telling me I'm still her, or that I ever even was her to begin with. The only one tallying my stupid quotient and whispering it in my ear. The only one waiting on a day like to day to remind me of the bad boyfriends, wrecked cars, locked doors, empty gas tank, failed amusement park trips...telling me I'll always be one stupid mistake shy of who I should be.
Now, hours later the sting of my lame mistake is subsiding. The kids were very upset and begged to go anyway, but we numbed their pain with Chuck E. Cheese. Kids are resilient. We've postponed the trip to the weekend, when the park is indeed open until 10pm. Really, no big deal. But it sure felt like a big deal as I drove Lily and Luke home...wondering if they thought I was stupid, feeling like a failure. On the drive home Lily said, Mom, you made a bad mistake, but that doesn't make you an idiot. (I'd repeatedly used that word on the phone to David as I realized my big mix up). She put a "bad" word to good use.
Before I close, I've just got to add a word of thanks to David. He didn't have much to say as this mess was unfolding, I said enough for both of us. But tonight I overheard him talking to someone on the phone about our day and he repeatedly said "we"...we made a mistake, we got the days mixed up. This was all me, but I was so comforted that he said we. And he happens to think I'm the smartest chick he knows, even though he's been on the losing end (like dangling from a balcony) due to my many mistakes over the years. Thanks David.
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August 21, 2007 at 11:20 AM
We all make mistake, try not to beat yourself up so bad
August 21, 2007 at 1:02 PM
I know exactly how you feel, Erin. I have often had many moments that catch me in "stupid-loathing". I usually realize (after some time, of course) that I just need to take it in stride and deal. Better than the self-depreciating mantra that runs through my mind. Glad to know I'm not the only one out there. :)
August 21, 2007 at 8:02 PM
First of all, you aren't "that" girl and I really don't like you talking about my Erin like that!!!
Secondly, while reading over your list of "dumb stuff" I realized we were involved in almost every one of those incidents. Maybe it's me that's to blame. Apparently I also cause ruptured appendix, funky healing procdures,and lingering arm fractures- possibly busted AC units as well.
I feel your pain, I share your funk right now. We gotta just dust it off and keep on truckin sista!
August 22, 2007 at 1:00 PM
erin, i find myself doing this, too. i lose perspective of the type of mom and woman of God I am... you pour out your life for your kids and our church, so what if you got the time wrong at carowinds? it doesn't matter. one. little. bit.
love, jess
August 28, 2007 at 11:19 AM
I've been there lots of times, too. I often find when things like you've described happen, it's when I've got too much on my plate at the time. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves to take time to stop and smell the roses.