I woke up this morning thinking about kindergarten, I've been waking up to thoughts of kindergarten for several days now. I haven't started an official countdown, not sure I can face the hard numbers. When Lily was a newborn, five years felt so far away. But I blinked, and she grew, and now in just a few short weeks I'll be expected to place her in someone else's care for most of her daylight hours. How is that possible? I am so unhappy about this. Preschool was fun. Preschool was a total of 10 hours a week, that doesn't even equal 2 days of kindergarten. Let me do the math...about 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week...37.5 hours!! My 5 year old will have a full time job. I don't even have a full time job.

Can I be really honest here? As I type this I am gripped with fear and I can barely type through tears. What if I don't like her teacher? What if her teacher doesn't like us? What if her teacher doesn't believe in Jesus? For the first time in her life, she may realize that not everyone loves Jesus. Everyone who has ever spent enough time in her life to have an impact loves Jesus. What if she's scared? I was scared. I remember being scared. What if she has a nemesis? What if the class has a bully? What if her little 5 year old body doesn't adjust well to waking up at 6am...who in the world ever decided that 5 year olds should be up that time of day anyway?

So what do I do with all this fear, all these what ifs? I plan to leave them right here. Dump them on this blog and walk away. I know as the big day approaches, my mind will begin to entertain these same fears, but I don't have to walk this road everytime. I've just let myself go deeper into this kindergarten anxiety than I ever have, and I don't like where it's headed. I choose to stop. I'll continue to pray for a woman of God to be her teacher. I'll pray for her little body to have resilency and strength for the changes ahead. I'll even be audacious enough to pray that starting this year, my kindergartener will begin her long and fulfilling school "career" as a light for Jesus in a dark and dying world. She will no doubt meet people, teachers and students, that do not know Jesus. Why would I assume that they will change her and not the other way around? I am suddenly feeling very aware that the most important job that I've had in the past 5 years is to make sure that when she enters that school on day one, she knows she has God with her. Then she won't feel alone, she will feel strong and courageous. I will equip her with Joshua 1:9, it will be our anthem. (Thanks to my friend Maria back in FL I happen to know that verse in a song version!)

I am still sad that my baby girl, my first born, is entering the world in a new way, going to a place I can't travel alongside. No doubt, I will cry as I pull out of the school parking lot on her first day (if I am able to keep my composure that long). FYI if you're reading this Daddy, we're going to need you to go into work late that morning.