What if...

It's good to be back...we've had computer issues for a few days. I resorted to going to the public library to check email. I say "resorted" not because I dislike my library, but the library's internet is just not the same. I couldn't visit Craig's List, which I do regularly (I guess the library blocks it because of the personals??), I stayed away from online banking and I chose not to spend my limited computer time reading or writing blogs so I'm out of the loop!

I have not blogged about Elevation in quite awhile. That might give the impression that nothing much is going on but in fact, the opposite is true. SO MUCH is happening at and through and with Elevation right now that each time I think of typing an update I feel overwhelmed. So I have avoided the task all together. Shame on me. I still can not even begin to pick up where I last left off (I think my last "update" was an August post about our new children's curriculum...which by the way has been HUGELY successful!). But, I have to share some of what's going on...it's too exciting not to talk about, and honestly, everyone at Elevation and in our area is, so this is more for you out-of-towners!

Check out this link to the front page news and then this link to see for yourself!

Side note: David called early this morning to reprimand me for my earlier post. He said something to the effect of "There are people about to run out of water and you want the rain to stop?! You shouldn't say that!" Maybe my exclamation points are a stretch. He probably kept his typical intonation. Anyway, on behalf of my husband, I am sorry. And it is still raining.

I know our area desperately needed rain, along with the entire southeastern US. I'm sure what we've received the past few days doesn't even put a dent in the drought. However...

When measured by the drops that have pelted my head and face as I've buckled and unbuckled carseats, times I've scolded my kids for stomping in the puddles in their good shoes, and dustpans I have filled with the wet yard mess we've tracked inside, it has been quite enough.

Love:

• Publix (Publix is a great grocery store...love the bakery, love the Boar's Head meats, love the subs!)


• No such thing as a "nonsmoking section" because there is NO such thing as a "smoking section"


• Swimming in October (pools in FL don't close like NC...swimming is handled with common sense, you quit swimming when it gets to cold to enjoy, usually around November, then back to the pool by late March/early April!)

• Humidity. All my life I heard "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" and never understood what that meant. In mid-August, it is the stinkin' heat, not matter what the humidity is like. But in fall, humidity makes all the difference. It's heavy like an old lady's thick shawl is thrown over your shoulders the minute you step outside. And it makes my hair a mess.


• Fire ants. I know we have them here but I was bit by more ants in my 4 days in FL than I have been in nearly 2 years here.


• Frogs. I really hate frogs, this applies to toads as well. I have seen 2 here in NC, total, and they were from a distance (in the road). That's an average of one per year. I can handle one per year. I do not like frogs and toads waiting at the doorstep, or taunting me with their croaks after a rain like they do in Florida. Florida is frog infested, like an Egyptian plague.

I'm sure you've gathered by now that our family traveled to Florida last week/weekend to attend a wedding. I love weddings. Love the dresses, love the food, love crazy ring bearers, love 'em. David, not so much, but he does enjoy the opportunity to visit friends and family so we both had a great time. The bride was bee-u-tee-ful...and the groom not so bad ;) Raina and Dennis are hopefully enjoying a lovely time in St. Lucia this very moment. I hope they're not getting the rain we have been...but they're honeymooning so does it matter?

Back to FL...it was a nice trip all together. Often we try and cram so much into the short time that we end up feeling we've really done a disservice to everyone, including ourselves, by not giving anyone a quality visit. It's like that speed-dating trend, 1 minute, then move on to the next. Only we're not dating, we're speed visiting: Hi! How are ya? Yep, kids are growin' up fast. NC is lovely. Yes, it's cooler than FL. Elevation is great, God is good. See ya next visit. Move on to the next relative. This visit, our goal was to attend Raina and Dennis' wedding. We wanted to be a part of their special day. If we achieved that, our visit would be a success, so everything else was just icing. We slept in, we took naps, we goofed off with the kids. Sure we could have used another day or two to squeeze in a tad bit more, but overall, I think we spent our days well. Aside from Luke getting sick for a brief period of time and the causality on the drive home, it was a near perfect visit. And I was reminded of all the things I love and hate about FL...stay tuned.

We're back home after a great long weekend in Florida. And there are so many things about the weekend I need to blog about...the beautiful wedding we attended, the many friends and family we connected with, sleeping in, afternoon naps...all the things that make a great getaway. But I just have to share this while it's fresh...

About 75 miles from home, cruising down interstate at about 75 miles an hour...we heard a large thud. The kind that makes you cringe. David and I looked at each other, examined the road ahead and behind...nothing.The Explorer continued to drive fine, no shaking or rattling. We just kept going and didn't give it another thought, until...

We arrived home about 9:45pm, David began unloading the back and I began cleaning out the backseat which looked like our toy box and snack drawer had exploded. I also barked orders to the kids...head upstairs, brush your teeth, get your pjs on...it was a chaotic time. A few minutes later, I saw David head to the mailbox. On his way back up to the house a terrible look crossed his face and he did a little heebie-jeebie shiver as he darted away from the front of the vehicle. (We had backed in, so going to the mailbox was his first glimpse of the front of the SUV.) I yelled, What's wrong? and much to my dismay, he said, You know that noise we heard on interstate? It's still on our car.

Uggghhhh.

I won't gross you out with the details. Let's just say, smaller than a breadbox but bigger than a loaf of bread. It wasn't at all gory, it just seemed stuck. Yuck. All I could say was, We're like the dad-gum Griswolds. Only, if this had really been a Lampoon's movie, the critter would have resurrected and attached itself to Chevy Chase's head.

David is no wimp, but dead animals are not his thing. He's no hunter, you won't catch him going after a snake with a shovel, just not that kind of guy. He doesn't like live critters much less dead ones. But I'm so proud, with no complaints he boxed and bagged our grill-mounted creature. About 10 minutes after we made our discovery it hit me that we had gone through the Chick-Fil-A drive thru about 30 minutes after the thud. I wonder what they were thinking!?! I'm just so thankful we found it before I filed into the carpool line this morning!

We had a full day planned. Right now I should be headed to church with my parents. I'm not. I'm here posting this quick thought...there is no vacation from motherhood. I'll post more about where we've been and what we've been doing in a future post, but today, I'm not on vacation anymore. Today, I'm caring for a vomiting child. All plans out the window, in a flash...down the toilet, literally. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent my little one for being sick. He can't help it, he'd rather be off having a good time too. To be very southern, shall I say, Bless his heart! I feel so bad for him, begging for more food and drink, not understanding why I'm "neglecting" his most basic needs.

Motherhood is indeed the job with no vacation but tons of sick time...caring for others who are sick.

Just a quick post to say I will be taking a blog break for the next several days, maybe. I say maybe because as sure as I say there will be no new post, something worthy of an immediate post will occur...

Next week I'll fill you in on what we'll be up to this weekend. Our "weekend" starts tomorrow :)

What I want to be...
What I want to be...
When I grow up to be big me...

Words from the well known philosopher, Barney. You can love him or hate him...we were good friends. He stopped by my house daily and entertained my toddlers giving me just enough time catch my breath (or take a shower, put away laundry, make lunch). Barney was the first (and for awhile, only) TV show my kids expressed interest in and they enjoyed him for several years. But I'm off track...

What I want to be when I grow up to be big me...that seems to be the question on my mind (and thanks to Barney it's also a catchy tune). I, for darn sure, hope this is as big as this me gets, but the "what I want to be" part is elusive. For weeks now, I seem to have an itch I can't scratch. An itch I can't quite put my finger on.

Let me say, I am not in a season of dissatisfaction. Taking care of Lily and Luke and David are still my priority, and my joy. My days stay busy with drop offs, pick ups, household duties and volunteer work but also hugs and kisses and lots of laughter. I am not bored or lonely or feeling inadequate. I am however gripped with a feeling that there is something just beyond my view, something with my name on it. It's as if I'm squinting into the horizon almost able to see it but not quite. It feels like it's impossible to find since I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, so I'm hoping it finds me.

Luke has apparently decided to tackle breaking all 10 commandments in this, his fourth year. As I've reported in earlier posts, he's quite the liar. That sounds harsh to say about my precious son but there is no way to deny, his pants are totally on fire.

Today, we added theft to our list of broken commandments. He stole a tiny eyeball bouncy ball from a store I will not name in an effort to protect my little felon. I think it may be part of a display or something, like it goes to some Halloween decoration. It just doesn't look like a "sold separately" item. But that certainly doesn't make it any better.

David and I are at a loss. I called him at work for a parental conference that basically consisted of a series of "I don't knows."

Do I go back to the store and make him return it? If so, is it okay to just sneak back down the aisle and put it back or do we have to approach an employee and confess? This is Luke. Sweet, sensitive, timid Luke...I worry about traumatizing him by handling this the wrong way. I have no idea why he's recently turned to a life of crime but with big blue eyes and a smile like his, he could probably make it work for him for years to come.

I did take the ball away immediately, I'm confident that allowing him to play with stolen goods is a bad idea. But I'm at a loss now. I will say that he actually told me the truth about the ball and that made me very proud. As proud as the mother of a thief can be.

I'd like to say that now, 6 weeks into the school year, I have become a well-oiled, lunchbox packing, carpool dropping, homework checking, folder signing machine. I'd like to say that but it'd be far from the truth. Our mornings are not disastrous, but everyday looks different. We're survivng our school routine more so than thriving. I am confident we'll get better at this but, I was so glad to have a day off from school today. It's conference day, which brings a stress all it's own, but at least we were able to sleep until 7:30am, eat a leisurely breakfast and I'm happy to say we're all still in PJs.

I hate it when I find myself bothered by something...something I shouldn't be so bothered by, something I shouldn't let get the best of me, and then I find myself more bothered that I let it bother me to begin with. I beat myself up for not being as mature as I like to think I am. It really bothers me that it bothers me, you know? Focusing my irritation inward allows me to ignore the sting of whatever initially bothered me rather than being honest with myself, examining why I'm bothered, and working through it. It's a vicious cycle.

My darling spouse seems bothered by nothing, leaving me room to be bothered enough for the both of us, but that is often exhausting.

As I sat down this morning with my Bible and journal, it didn't take me long to figure out I had a severe problem focusing, more so than usual. The kids were busy with breakfast and I was not in my usual rush...I had no one to blame, but I was so distracted. This house went from tidy to tornado in the past 48 hours which feels like an immediate need since our small group meets here tonight, I have some important volunteer spots to get covered ASAP which certainly warrants my attention, and Lily is a wreck first thing in the morning with severe allergy congestion which has now settled into a sinus and ear infection so I was battling the mental debate of school or no school (Dr. gave her green light, I was less convinced). Distracted, and as usual, by good things to give my attention to...and I just couldn't turn them "off."

I've been in a funk for a while now and when I'm in that kind of place indecisiveness settles on me like a thick fog. The simplest decisions feel overwhelming. This has been building for awhile and I knew I needed time with God to clear my noggin. Best. Best. I got up from my desk, finished getting both kids ready for school (I opted to take Lily late, letting her spend the early morning hours resting and "clearing" her head) and then made the rounds to drop them off. After that, with Bible and journal in hand, I headed to Panera. For some reason I felt drawn to go public for my alone time, to separate myself from the many, many things distracting me. From my seat at Panera, there was no view of my messy kitchen, no computer beckoning me to send a half dozen emails to solicit volunteer help, no stack of bills on the desk, no calendar or to-do list. I went to a public place to be alone. That is what best looked like this morning. The best use of my time was to forget the seemingly immediate tasks, and direct my full attention on the internal ache I've had to seek and hear from God. Hoping, in turn, I would find the proper state of mind to address the other things that do need my attention: tonight's small group, Sunday's volunteer needs and my daily wife/mother duties.

Best won't always look like quiet time at a coffee house, how I wish it would! But this morning, a cup of coffee from the mug (not the styrofoam to-go cup), a table just big enough to spread out on and the white noise of multiple indistinct conversations mixed with the clatter of dishes provided the perfect setting to just let go of life. As I chewed on my asiago cheese bagel, I also chewed on some scriptures a friend wrote down for me last week. (You know you're "off" when a trusted friend gives you an index cards full of suggested scriptures!) As I repeatedly refilled my mug with hot coffee, I felt a spiritual "refill" as well.

Now, hear what I'm saying. Please don't read this and shrug it off with Oh sure, I'd be in a great place if I could take the morning to sip coffee and relax too. It's important to note, I did not find time in my day to take a several hour break with God, I made time. I tend to blame my spiritual dryness on what I can't do, when in reality making time for God a priority is often what I won't do. I've found myself in a fog of indecision and uncertainty because I've filled days and weeks with good things, at the expense of the best thing. Today I needed to create an out of the ordinary experience to get myself back on track, but I believe what's truly best for me is to make and take this same time with God within the whirlwind of my daily life.

About two hours after I arrived, I left Panera feeling much lighter. Sure, the spring in my step could be the 3 cups of coffee :) but too many other side effects of time with Him are present to deny He is the reason.

Last night as I met with my fellow book study moms, we began to openly chat about how overwhelmed many of us feel as we juggle our kids, our husbands, jobs, volunteerism, school, etc. We weren't complaining, every woman in the room would equally chat with you about the blessings in her life...but we share the common heart cry of wanting to honor and serve our God, our famililes, our churches, our communities ...and to do so with excellence.

Within this discussion, we talked about how much harder it is to rightly discern what does and does not need our attention when everything filling our calendars and to-do lists is "good." There are so many good ways to fill a day. It seems as if it'd be very easy to say "I need to cancel today's bank robbery so I can read to the kids"...but much harder to say I need to limit the hours I volunteer...I should say no to that invitation...I need to step away from the computer...The laundry can wait...

Good, no harm intended, meant to benefit someone, stuff. A fellow mom in the group really struck a nerve with me when she said "There are so many things we do that are good, but are they the best?" Best. Best. Best. Hmmm. That's something to chew on.

What if I take a look at my calendar and to-do list right now and filter it through the lense of BEST. Best use of my time, best for my kids, best for my husband.

Taking 15 minutes to compose this blog feels good, I've had thoughts of best churning in my brain for 18 hours. It's good to get this in black and white, helps me work it out a little more in my brain. But now it's out, so being on this computer is probably no longer best...

8:30pm Hummel household goes to bed (Even the grown-ups, it's been a long week)

2:00am Luke comes to our bed

2-5:20am I attempt to share a pillow with a four year old and sleep with extra arms, legs, elbows and feet on me, under me, all around me

5:20am Lily comes into our room, she's had a bad dream and wants to crawl in bed...there is NO room!

5:23am After debate, Lily and I head upstairs and share a twin bed in Luke's room as opposed to the double bed in Lily's room (don't ask)

5:25-5:45am Attempt to get comfortable with Lily, KC and a half dozen stuffed animals in a twin bed...yes, there is an empty twin bed in the same room (again, don't ask)

5:50am After finally getting comfy, Luke comes upstairs sobbing that I left him downstairs and asks to crawl in bed with us...there is NO room!

6:00am Luke settles down and falls asleep in his own twin bed

8:10am Lily wakes up, and says Isn't KC a great dog? The day begins.

What I have described is not unusual in our house. In fact, it used to happen nightly and now only happens once or twice a week, so although it is exhausting, frustrating and down right embarrassing to admit I allow, we are making progress. One day I'll blog about our sleeping arrangements from their birth to age 3. This is why I laugh when I hear non-parents say "I'll never..." because I assure you, I thought I would never...

We ate out last night which is a rare treat for mid-week. I love to try new places and we had a coupon for a free pizza from a neighborhood pizza place. Sitting there in the booth, I had one of those perfectly ordinary moments where I just stopped and tried to soak it in, take a mental picture. I wanted to freeze time, or at least slow it down a bit...

My two handsome redheads across the table chatting about Luke's desire to play baseball when he grows up as long as he can still live at home.

Lily draped over my shoulders, smelly like a school-kid, planting kisses on my cheek. This type of random, public affection is very un-Lily-like.

Life can be so hard. But sometimes it feels just like my fairytale.

I've been ignoring a laundry basket full of clean laundry for about 3 days now. It's been teetering on the arm of the couch, held up by the throw pillows. Folding and putting away laundry is my least favorite chore. And it's so easy to make a pile in a basket and move the basket from place to place to avoid facing it. I'm ashamed to admit that last night as I thought through my "to do" list for today rather than thinking Fold and put away laundry I thought, Move basket to bedroom before small group. Shameful. But this morning, with Luke on one side of the room and me in the kitchen, the basket just toppled over. He looked at me with huge eyes and said "I didn't do it!" and I knew he hadn't. It just spilled. Everywhere. It fell in such a way that clean laundry scattered at least 5 feet in each direction. No way to ignore it now. I had two options, scoop it up and cram it back in the basket, or sit down and sort it, fold it, stack it...address the mess.

I chose the latter. I sat down and made neat piles of folded laundry: a David pile, an Erin pile, a Luke PJ pile, a Luke school clothes pile, a Lily PJ pile, a Lily school clothes pile...even a Molly pile. (Molly is the darling little girl we pass on Lily's clothes to, Luke appreciates Molly taking the too-small girl clothes off our hands so he isn't the recipient!) Anyway, once I began to sort things one at a time the pile didn't feel nearly so overwhelming. It still hasn't made it upstairs, but it will, and it feels do-able.

I often handle my life's messes like my clean laundry. Clean laundry is easy to ignore. It's not stinky or wet, it's available when I need it...I can just stuff it in a basket, hide it when company comes. My life's laundry basket is stuffed full right now: the need for a second income compiled with the mommy guilt of working vs. staying home, low self-esteem, fatigue, wife guilt because of fatigue (you know what I mean?), mistakes I've made lately, guilt over the mistakes I've made lately. This laundry isn't stinky or wet, it's not "dirty," I can excuse away or justify why it's in my life and even soothe myself by saying everyone has this type of mess lying around, "little" messes...manageable, easily hidden, things I can stuff in a basket and move from room to room so that no one sees them.

There are some messes that can't be ignored, like huge carpet stains or a sink overflowing with dirty dishes...those messes I give almost immediate attention because they are not easily hidden from others. They must be cleaned up quickly, but the "little" messes that I can tuck away and keep stuffed down are really just one spill away from being a big mess. Once the big mess happens, I have two choices...sort it out and address each pile or stuff it back in the basket. I've done a little of both in the past. But what if, I begin to recognize the warning signs of a basket on the verge of a spill...tears that come too easily, trouble falling asleep, trouble waking up, a sharp tongue, a feeling of distance. Better yet, what if I never let things make it to the basket, what if I just put them in their place from the start?

I have yet to find any mess in my life that God doesn't want to help me sort, fold and put away. He isn't my genie in a bottle, I can't wish away my troubles...but I can take each pile to Him and seek His help in sorting it out. Some piles are easily sorted, others take more time. But just by dumping out the basket, bringing each to light helps the mess feel less overwhelming.

Growing up in a little baptist church, I used to memorize my weekly Bible verse on the very short drive to church so I could regurgitate the words in Sunday School and earn a sticker. Now I know why God wants His Word hidden in my heart and real scripture memorization is so important. So many of my messes find root in my feelings. My feelings are not truth. My feelings can be deceptive. If I trust my feelings, I continue to fill up a basket of mess until it spills all over my floor, and effects everyone around me. His truth cleans up messes, puts them in their place.

If I want to prevent a spill, I need to sort out my basket. Right now I've got a big pile of guilt in my basket: guilt over not working, guilt over potentially working, guilt over stupid mistakes, guilt, guilt, guilt. I'm like David in Psalms 38 My guilt has overwhelmed me, like a burden to heavy to bear. But the book of Hebrews tells me I have a great high priest (Jesus Christ) and I can draw near God with a sincere heart with full assurance and can be cleansed from a guilty conscience. So that pile I should always take straight to God. Doesn't need to go in a basket for further sorting, wallowing, self-loathing...doesn't need to be neatly folded and put in a drawer for me to wear later. He paid for that pile. And I move onto the next pile - fatigue. This pile is a little different. This pile needs some sorting. Through His truth I must filter what in my life needs to be eliminated, what needs to be revised, what needs to be done differently. He offers rest and strength so I can be certain my continual fatigue is not what He wants for me, and I shouldn't ignore it. If I start with His truth, I can begin to clean up the mess. And so on, and so on.

As I began making changes to the look of my blog yesterday, I realized the "Blogs I Read" list to the right of the screen (you can go ahead and take a look if you'd like)...is about a tenth of the number of blogs I actually read. I am constantly finding new blogs of interest, like this great guy who visited Elevation Sunday and gave us some very helpful feedback...and upon reading his, I found his wife who had this very funny post. That's how blogs work, I find one and then another and then another and so on...I may visit some daily or weekly or monthly or somewhere in between. There are also about a dozen cool chicks and fellas that I have the pleasure of knowing more personally who I've failed to add as I become a frequent blog reader so I have a dilemma...do I now take well over an hour of my life and add the links, or just delete this outdated list??? Stay tuned...

In honor of my love of fall, I have given the blog a new fall look! The beach sand is summery, but I like it, it's staying...for now! I plan to go sort through my pics and see what fall-ish pics I can find.

After taking Lily to school and getting Luke settled with breakfast and a cartoon, I tossed his school clothes on the couch and headed to the shower. I had a dentist appointment so I needed to be ready-ready before I took him to school. Usually I'm just half-ready...hair pulled back, no make up...but at the very least, real pants (as opposed to the pajama pants that are often worn to Lily's school). My getting ready is a progression...to drop Lily off, I'm just dressed enough to be able to maintain minimal dignity if I were to get a flat tire or be pulled over for speeding. Luke's drop off requires walk-in so I attempt to match and have brushed my teeth and hair. But I digress, today I had to be ready-ready since I had an appointment. Shower required (I usually skip the early a.m. shower because I'm trying to begin a routine of working out after taking Luke to school, I said trying.) While I was in the shower I heard him yell out. I immediately knew what the problem was...he couldn't get his pajama top off. I don't know why pajama shirt neck-holes are smaller, but for some reason, he struggles to get his pj shirt off every morning. Usually I'm in the room with him, he grunts, I yank the shirt off and he's able to finish dressing himself. But this morning, I was in the shower. He walked in the bathroom very frustrated to see me unavailable for his request. So I talked him through it, step by step led him to take his own shirt off. Because the neck-hole is smaller he has to take it off in a different manner than his usual one-handed over the head pull that men (even little men) do. I talked him through freeing his hands then using two hands to pull the shirt over his head...and he literally scampered out of the bathroom with quite a grin of pride. My first thought was, Why didn't I ever take the time to teach him before, rather than just swooping in and doing it at first grunt? You know the ol' give me a fish I'll eat for a day, teach me to fish I'll eat for life? (or something like that?)


My next thought...and stick with me, sometimes I feel like God is in the shower. He's still around, still able to see me through the steamy glass but His hands are busy. I know He is able, so I feel like maybe He's just not quite willing to help when I make my grunt for help...for the same problem I've been grunting for everyday. I've been feeling like that lately. I never doubt His presence or His love, I've just been struggling with feeling like I've been left "unattended," to fix "this" on my own. The second I heard Luke cry out today, I knew it was the pj shirt. We go through this everyday and I honestly get tired of hearing him fuss over it daily. I wonder if God feels the same way, I've been crying out over the same thing over and over. So there must be something He's trying to teach me. If what I ask for is not against His will or what I know to be true in His word, there must be a greater good in Him not just "fixing" it for me. He's a much better parent than I am, so if I was willing to give Luke the step by step directions to lead him to a solution for his problem, I believe God is willing to do the same for me. Maybe this isn't the most spiritually accurate thing you'll read today, at least for your sake I hope not, but this is seriously what I grappled with this morning as I finished my shower. I loved Luke no less as I directed him to a solution rather than just fixing his problem, in fact it took more of my time and compassion to talk him through the shirt issue. And he was so proud when he felt the success. God could, in an instant, "fix" any problem in my life...His word says nothing is too hard for Him...but He loves me enough to take the time to lead me to lasting solutions and the joy that comes from that successful journey.

Luke will quite possibly yell out or grunt or fuss tomorrow when it's time to take off that pj shirt, but I can remind him of today's success. And I'll be reminded that my success is sure, if I listen and follow directions.