More so than any other time I can remember, in the past year I have really struggled with "purpose." Maybe it began the day Lily started kindergarten, Luke in preschool, and the enemy had a new weapon with which to attack. "Free" time, the 4 hours a day I'm childless.
What can I do with that time? Work. Work makes sense. Money is always so tight. Work. Gotta work. Hard to find PT work for just those 4 hours a day. Work full time? No, not a solution after all, at least not yet, not this season. Okay, what? What? What? Volunteer. Help others. School, church, lots to be done. Great, but there's not a paycheck with my name on it, am I as valuable to my family? Isn't this supposed to be easier? Four hours a day, well, really just 3 hours and 35 minutes if you count that drop off and pick up time. 3 hours and 35 minutes. What's a mom to do? Surely, I'm not meant to just rest or refresh or spend time with no agenda. That would be lazy, unproductive...I need a to-do list, I need to see check marks beside completed tasks. I need to feel needed. I need to feel purpose. I need someone to pat me on the back.
Big sigh. I am so tired. And I still struggle with purpose. And I'm ashamed to admit that my obsession with what "purposeful" thing to do with my 3 hours and 35 minutes spills over to the whole of my day, making even the meaningful stuff less meaningful.
Yesterday, David had a long day at work. Well, let's get real, David has a lot of long days at work. He's busy, he's tired. It's hard work to be the good guy. The guy that won't leave others high and dry, the guy that stays until the job is done. It's hard to be the good guy. So I call and leave him encouraging messages. I'll send an email with a :) as the subject line and fill it with words of praise and appreciation.
Everyday I stand at the end of the driveway and wait for Lily's bus to drop her off. I can't help but grin from ear to ear as she runs towards me. She still does, runs towards me every day as if we've been apart for weeks. I'll ask how her day was and she'll say "fine" and I'll want more but I know it'll come later. As she eats dinner or bathes, or stalls bedtime, she'll give me a snippet here and there about a new song in Spanish class or a new game from gym.
I'll help a boy named Luke feed and care for a fish named Luke. And everyday on the drive to and from school, we have deep conversations about everything and nothing, from theology to science to mechanics. I answer his every question and only say "I don't know" if I really don't know, and in that case, I'll at least hypothosize. We talk about how strong God is and how strong Daddy is and how both God and Daddy are great.
Man, how do I ever let the enemy of my soul convince me that my life lacks purpose? I may be the only person who speaks a word of encouragement to my husband today. I will be the only one anxiously waiting for Lily to return from school. I am most certainly the only one who daily shares deep conversations with my very shy boy. And I pray for them, I cover my family in prayer for protection, hearts to know and love Jesus, lives full of purpose. I could be the only person praying for them, the only one going to battle for them.
How dare he speak lack of purpose into my life, how dare I listen. Shame on me for believing it. And shame on me for believing it again tomorrow.
What can I do with that time? Work. Work makes sense. Money is always so tight. Work. Gotta work. Hard to find PT work for just those 4 hours a day. Work full time? No, not a solution after all, at least not yet, not this season. Okay, what? What? What? Volunteer. Help others. School, church, lots to be done. Great, but there's not a paycheck with my name on it, am I as valuable to my family? Isn't this supposed to be easier? Four hours a day, well, really just 3 hours and 35 minutes if you count that drop off and pick up time. 3 hours and 35 minutes. What's a mom to do? Surely, I'm not meant to just rest or refresh or spend time with no agenda. That would be lazy, unproductive...I need a to-do list, I need to see check marks beside completed tasks. I need to feel needed. I need to feel purpose. I need someone to pat me on the back.
Big sigh. I am so tired. And I still struggle with purpose. And I'm ashamed to admit that my obsession with what "purposeful" thing to do with my 3 hours and 35 minutes spills over to the whole of my day, making even the meaningful stuff less meaningful.
Yesterday, David had a long day at work. Well, let's get real, David has a lot of long days at work. He's busy, he's tired. It's hard work to be the good guy. The guy that won't leave others high and dry, the guy that stays until the job is done. It's hard to be the good guy. So I call and leave him encouraging messages. I'll send an email with a :) as the subject line and fill it with words of praise and appreciation.
Everyday I stand at the end of the driveway and wait for Lily's bus to drop her off. I can't help but grin from ear to ear as she runs towards me. She still does, runs towards me every day as if we've been apart for weeks. I'll ask how her day was and she'll say "fine" and I'll want more but I know it'll come later. As she eats dinner or bathes, or stalls bedtime, she'll give me a snippet here and there about a new song in Spanish class or a new game from gym.
I'll help a boy named Luke feed and care for a fish named Luke. And everyday on the drive to and from school, we have deep conversations about everything and nothing, from theology to science to mechanics. I answer his every question and only say "I don't know" if I really don't know, and in that case, I'll at least hypothosize. We talk about how strong God is and how strong Daddy is and how both God and Daddy are great.
Man, how do I ever let the enemy of my soul convince me that my life lacks purpose? I may be the only person who speaks a word of encouragement to my husband today. I will be the only one anxiously waiting for Lily to return from school. I am most certainly the only one who daily shares deep conversations with my very shy boy. And I pray for them, I cover my family in prayer for protection, hearts to know and love Jesus, lives full of purpose. I could be the only person praying for them, the only one going to battle for them.
How dare he speak lack of purpose into my life, how dare I listen. Shame on me for believing it. And shame on me for believing it again tomorrow.
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April 24, 2008 at 11:38 AM
Ok- I usually do not leave comments on blogs but this blog meant too much to me not to let you know. I was so encouraged by your words today Erin. Thank you for your honesty and pointing me back to my purpose as a mother and a wife!
April 24, 2008 at 4:55 PM
I know you are a great mom...I know b/c I know your daughter :) and how much she loves you!
Hope I am a mom like you some day :)
Thankful for you as a friend too :)
love,
Becky
April 24, 2008 at 8:55 PM
what a great post and reminder for all of us moms. thanks, erin.
holly brown
April 25, 2008 at 4:11 PM
You are doing the most important job there is. No, we don't get a paycheck and yes, we all feel like we aren't appreciated, but, you've got to put on your armor and stand strong against those feelings. Use that window to do things (or nothing, when needed) to help you do your "job" better. Sometimes that means housework or errands or bible study or volunteering. The important thing is to attempt to fuel yourself the right way so that you are ready to enjoy Luke and Lily and David when they are with you. By being the great mom that you are, you are creating great kids. They will be forever grateful for you, even though we all know they won't always show it. You have a wonderful purpose, you just need to accept it. :)
April 25, 2008 at 5:52 PM
i told you to your cute face and i'll say it here (um, without the almost swearing...shame on ME)...this post was fantastic. you are awesome. i love you. ok. that's it.