Months ago, God began giving me a particular verse. I don't even remember the first time. Regardless, it began to cross my path over and over and over, almost to the point of ridiculousness. In my devotional book, in my online devotion, in a sermon, in another sermon... It is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1). I began to chew on it more and more. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free....it is for freedom that Christ has set you free...it is for freedom Christ has set me free. It really began to get under my skin. Freedom. I am free for freedom's sake. If for no other reason than freedom alone, Christ has set me free. My freedom is important to Christ, important enough to die for. Freedom. This is a foundational point in my belief system. I do not struggle with the belief that Christ has set me free. Free from sin, free from death, free from an eternity in hell. I am free, I get it. Or do I?


The next part of the verse says do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Ah, burdened. That word hits home. Burdened. I feel burdened. If nothing else, I am a fine actress, because burden rests on me in this season more so than I have felt in years...like a heavy coat, like a dense fog, like a yoke. And I bet few of you knew that. But that 3 letter word that comes before burden, let, that's what really stings. As in I let myself be burdened, I choose to be burdened. Ouch. I am no theologist and typically when a verse begins to get under my skin, I grab a commentary of my bookshelf and get a little more context. Maybe, as I unpack this more and more, I will. But for some reason, up to this point I have felt hesitant to do so. As if God wants me and His Word to wrestle it out alone.


I could list to you 10 good reasons why this has been a difficult season. From things as seemingly simple as my daughter starting kindergarten to the heavier issues of coming to terms with the end of my stay-at-home mom tenure, and the uncertainty that brings. But really, anytime we are outside of our sweet spot, no matter the reason, life feels harder. Everything feels harder, like swimming upstream. Every relationship takes more effort, every day takes more energy, every light moment feels fleeting. Especially, once you've felt it. Once you taste freedom, the next yoke feels heavier, even if it's a yoke you've worn before. Like fanning yourself on a hot day, it feels even hotter when you stop. Accepting Christ's freedom, living in that sweet spot of His acceptance, His will, His path, makes choosing to wear a yoke feel even heavier, even more burdensome. Choosing to wear a yoke, choosing bondage. How did I let it happen?


Slowly. I began to get too comfortable. I survived the difficult transition of moving to NC, which honestly, though it was very hard, I so tightly clung to Jesus every day, there was no room between us for a self-imposed yoke. Life was hard, but daily I stayed focused on God's activity and never felt this burden. I do not equivocate freedom with "smooth sailing," I have experienced freedom when (pardon my choice of words Mama), life sucks. And I have felt burdened when circumstances give no just cause. Freedom is not circumstantial. When I began to get comfortable and reach for other things, I lessened my grip on the Lord. And though He has shown me time and time again that He's not letting go of me, I slowly took my eyes off Him to survey my surroundings and loosened my grip to pick up other things, one of the things I picked up was a heavy yoke. And I slapped that sucker around my neck and it's been choking the life out of me. I am my own worst enemy. I let that happen, that's what breaks my heart. That's what breaks His heart.


So what does my yoke look like? Oh, she's about 5'4"...dark hair (growing it out a little, thanks for noticing), she's a do-er, a list maker, a never-sit-downer, a fill 5 minutes if she's got 'em kind of gal. That list she writes is never completely checked off so she thinks about her unproductiveness at night, how she'd do the day differently if she could. She loves to read and write but the guilt she feels for taking a moment to herself squelches the joy, so she eliminates those things to make time for list making and list checking and list agonizing. She is gifted, God Himself says so, but she struggles to accept it. She does not see in herself what others do because she looks through a lense of false comparison and undo criticism. In her efforts to be a good wife, a good friend, a good mom, she creates so much tension that she becomes none of the above. And relationships suffer. She worries what you think of her. Because she knows the Truth, she recites to herself on a regular basis, I only care what God thinks of me, because hearing that truth, even before fully believing it, will allow it take root in her heart. Perhaps it already has, and that's why I'm writing this today.


So what now? Well, I've been chewing on this verse for awhile now. It's written in my journal, in my kitchen, and in my heart. Why has the God of the universe put great effort into causing many a collision between me and this particular word? Because it is for freedom that Christ has set me free. And I have chosen to let myself be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. My freedom is that important to Him, in fact, more important to Him than to me. Left alone, I may continue on this path, until the yoke itself feels comfortable. But God loves me too much to allow that and there is work to be done. He has an important kingdom-impacting task for me to accomplish and I'm ultimately ineffective while I stay chained to my expectations, your expectations and my false assumptions about your expectations. There is work for me to do, and I got a word yesterday about what that work should look like...rest. A wise, valued friend and speaker of truth told me, God wants you to find rest in Him. And she wasn't being general. She was talking about me and my God. And God's word (at least one of them) to her for me: Rest. That may seem like a paradox, being a laborer for the Lord and finding rest at the same time. But that is the beautiful mystery of God, as we pour ourselves out, He fills us up. And at the end of the day, if I am pouring myself out and staying empty, I'm doing something wrong. God is on my list rather than the center of my life.


If I chose to put this darn yoke on, I can choose to take it off. That sounds too simplistic but that's what I'm reading God's word to mean. So again, I will speak it until it takes deep root: It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. And my God is a Redeemer, so the weeks and months that feel wasted will ultimately bring good for His purpose. Relationships tested are relationships proven, relationships developed are strong because they've survived the trench, eyes washed with tears are now clearer to see, gifts left dormant for a time are ready to burst. Feeling so heavy brings opportunity to feel so light. Maybe not today, but it's coming.


I am free.