What if...

Wow! Has it been a week? So much has gone on in the past week...a whirlwind of Christmas gatherings, visiting family, traveling...many blog worthy happenings have occurred but my return to blogging will be this little love note to my hubby (insert eye roll here for all you less-than romantics).

Lily and Luke are getting to an age where Christmas traditions are probably becoming more important...from this age on, they may actually remember what we do to celebrate the holiday. So why is it that this year we opted to buy Chips Ahoy rather than bake Santa cookies, we've decided to travel Christmas day and picnic at a rest stop, and my Christmas cards (not yet purchased but still on my "to do" list) will now say Happy New Year instead of Merry Christmas?

Okay, I know I said it in a post quite awhile back, but my "Blogs I Read" section needs some serious attention. I made that list when I started blogging 6 months ago, and since then I have become a regular visitor of many other blogs...but where do I start and where do I draw the line?? The New Year's resolution I intend to keep is to put some work into my blog page. There are several resolutions I will make out of guilt and or self-loathing that are somewhat meaningless, but I'm serious about updating my blog...

This is an obligatory post. I don't really have a set idea as I start to type but I'd like to have something up more recent than Monday's post. That's your warning, the below will be random and poorly planned!

I often ask David, What's on your mind? Right now, tell me what you're thinking this very second, to which he replies nothing or the wall. Whatever sport, I'm not falling for it. Who thinks about the wall? Unless of course you're thinking of painting it or wondering if it's load-bearing for a particular home improvement project and we both know that's not happening. Maybe the Pink Floyd song? Nah, I just don't buy the thinking about the wall bit. But I digress, I said all that to say I'll share what I'm thinking about right now, or at least what I was thinking about before I started thinking about this blog post:

I love Elevation Church. And not just because I was given an ornament today, although I do love to get stuff. I just came from a meeting (or two) so my love for our church and her people is fresh. I love my Elevation cohorts, sure I have some favorites (like that Jessi for example) but I really do love the people I've come to know through Elevation. Aside from Chunks and Amy, I haven't known anyone longer than 2 years and yet I care so much about these people, as if they've been in my life forever. I shouldn't admit this to David, but once the meeting was over tonight, I just lingered...I love to laugh at silly sleuth drawings (no offense Gina!) or joke about giving toddlers slap-bracelets (no offense Brandi!) but I also love digging down deep, tackling the logistical nightmares of serving kids in a high school choir room or pottying 2-year-olds in Ovens Auditorium. In the best moments, I feel something that's been dormant for a long time coming awake. A beast that used to love a challenge but somewhere along the way fell asleep from the fatigue of taking care of two little ones just 12 months apart. For a long time I lived in survival mode. But Mommy gets a good night's sleep now, and Mommy likes a challenge. I'm beginning to feel myself desire the tough stuff again, and it'd been a long time since such things didn't feel overwhelming.

I still haven't found my Micheal Buble CD. I wish I had his Christmas album too. I find myself singing Let it Snow more than any other Christmas carol and I really like his version. Oh, the weather outside is frightful...I was singing in the car yesterday and Luke told me if I wanted to hear Christmas music I needed to turn on the radio. He's not a fan of my vocal stylings.

Lunch with Amy. It's a little surreal to sit across the table with someone I've known since childhood, now surrounded by our own children. When did we become grown-ups? I love her kids. They're so different from mine, so different from each other. I don't always enjoy other people's children. I enjoy hers. I love that my kids know her kids, that they're not just strangers that only see each other a couple times a year. Wow, when did we become grown-ups?

David's stomach hurts, he's gone to bed already. His stomach hurts quite often. Always has...he had some testing done when he was a teenager, no diagnosis. I like to think that medical science has advanced in 20 years and he could get some answers now, but he disagrees. Oh, well. Maybe that's why he just thinks about the wall so much, helps keep his mind off his stomach.

I guess my obligatory post turned out a little longer than I anticipated. I've got a lot on my mind. My thought process feels like some couch potato is sitting in my gray matter channel surfing...Elevation, click, Micheal Buble, click, Amy, click, Oh, the weather outside is frightful, click, gotta blog, click...

Last night I had several odd, random dreams. I often wake up with vague memories of a dream, but last night seemed to hold a trilogy of weirdness . I'm not sure if they were separate or all intertwined...I ran out of gas and was very nervous that the mounted police officer (as in riding a horse) would stop me for reckless driving as I slowly cruised into the gas station, thankful it was downhill??? Then I rummaged through Harry and Debra's laundry, still wet in their washing machine??? Then I woke up with a terrible kinked neck and had to ask my neighbor to drive Lily to school because I was too stiff to drive???

The problem is, I really did wake up this morning with a bad kinked neck. This happens to me several times a year, usually in the winter. I was able to drive Lily to school, after a hot shower to loosen up. Usually sitting still is most comfortable and moving to the left or right is the issue, unfortunately, this one is central, just below my neck and sitting upright seems to aggravate it. I laid flat as long as I could before Luke needed a snack, and then made the mistake of getting on the computer to send an email to my small group. Gotta get off this computer and lay back down...my apologies to the mounted officer and Harry and Debra if either of those other dreams come true.

click the unlock button on your vehicle's keyless entry as you approach your front door? I do it all the time, surely that technology is developing somewhere.

Today was Luke's preschool Christmas program. He was such a champ, he sang and did all the hand motions to the songs (at least he did in between the waves to Lily, Mommy and Daddy). I struggled to hold back tears, how was this the same child that I left kicking and screaming on day 1?

While there, I noticed many of the kids giving the teachers gifts...over achievers I thought to myself, giving the gifts a week before school is out. Those on-the-ball moms were just showing off, I haven't even begun to shop for teacher gifts.

As we left the building, Luke's teacher hugged him good bye and told him to have a very merry Christmas. Huh?! Say again? Is there no school next week?

AHHHHH! Somehow I completely missed the fact that Luke's school is a week ahead of Lily's for Christmas break. I can still hear his director saying at orientation that their breaks coincided with the county schools. Apparently not all of their breaks. Now I'll be doing a little rearranging of my schedule. I had actually agreed to help out at David's office and was looking forward to making a little extra Christmas money.

I feel like such a doofus, we didn't take gifts to his teachers...and I love his teachers...what kind of mom doesn't even know when school is out? You'd think the special program would have been a clue!

Last night was our Momtourage end of book/Christmas social. I admit I had debated not going...my body still ached all over from my scooter-tumble, I haven't been sleeping well at night so I really wanted to get to bed early and David made it home at a decent hour for the first time in weeks, so it was hard to have somewhere else to be. So like I said, I had several reasons to blow it off, but one great reason not to...I LOVE those chicks!

About 30 minutes before I needed to depart, I spilled tomato sauce all over me and decided to squeeze in a quick shower. Ahhhh....dark outside, fresh and clean from the shower, achy body...I had no choice but to put on my pajamas. I love pajamas. Specifically, cozy pajama pants. If you have known me any length of time, you've probably seen me in pajama pants. Maybe you didn't even realize it, it's very likely I have attempted to pass them off as regular pants in your presence. Sometimes I sport them with matching pj top, more often with whatever tee is clean and comfy.

Now we all know, strange dynamics often occur when groups of females gather. We give thought to whether or not we are the heaviest or oldest in the room. We wonder why our house doesn't look as clean as the hostess, although she's spent 12 hours cleaning before we arrived. We also like her drapes, the color of her walls and the square footage of her living room more than our own. And we would never, ever wear our pajamas to a holiday social unless it was a cutesy-themed pajama party, then we'd go out and buy new pajamas. Right?

Momtourage must be an abnormal gathering of women. Who's the oldest, who's the heaviest, who has the biggest house? Who cares? And no matter how great the hostess' home looks for the evening, I am quite certain we are all aware that at noon on Tuesday no one's house is as tidy as they'd like it to be. And most importantly, I think any one of us would attend in our old pajamas on any given occasion if it so suits our mood.

So with a fat lip and my flannel pj pants, I joined in the fun as we compared favorite "cheesy" movies and swapped old boyfriend stories. Every few minutes, we'd get a little deeper and voice the fears we have for our daughters or the insecurities we have in our friendships (or was that just me?). Regardless, I may have been the only one wearing pjs, but we were all in a pj state of mind.

1 fun-loving mommy (with somewhat rusty skillz)
1 preschool sized Hot Wheels scooter

Combine with high speed and a slightly sloped driveway.

Above mixture will result in:
1 road-burned arm
2 scraped knees
1 cheek abrasion
1 swollen lip, busted inside and out
1 set of bloody knuckles
1 skinned-up palm
1 scuffed shoulder

Best served with a distressed 4 year old (Why Mommy? Why were you on my scooter? Why?) and a husband you ignores the cries of a 5 year old for help because he believes her to be kidding.

Garnish with 2 Aleve and Band-Aids.


Besides the obvious humor of my "way too old for this crap" situation, David and I stood in front of the mirror, my face covered in blood and tears and laughed about what we will tell his coworkers tomorrow. Yes, the event occured on the eve of me helping out at David's office. As I cleaned my wounds he comforted me with, We have got to come up with a better story. We have decided to go with spousal abuse.

I'm feeling a little a lot warm and fuzzy about my husband today. I'd actually decided NOT to spend a second on this computer that I could be spending with him, but he's quietly napping behind me so I'm taking a few minutes to love on him via my blog. He worked over 72 hours this past week. Thankfully, this is not our norm. His company was in the middle of an inventory and woooo-hoooo, it's over! But after hours like that, I have really missed him and have a renewed appreciation for his work ethic and provision for our family. Along with that, the kids and I decorated our Christmas tree this morning, which always gets me feelin' a little sentimental. I get a little fuzzy on the inside as I unwrap the ornaments that mark the occasions of our wedding, our first Christmas married, our first home, the kids' first Christmas seasons...a decade of memories fill that tree. I remember our first Christmas tree, we actually went out and bought miscellaneous ornaments to fill it. Now 10 Christmases later, it's funny to think that our first tree was too bare.

As David shaved this morning, I walked in the bathroom and started a conversation with this: Babe, as my spiritual head, I really need you to speak some truth into this situation (and followed with my predicament). This comes after a week of us having very little communication and me really wanting his thoughts on an issue that's been troubling me. Usually that kind of intro causes a big sigh out of David. He likes a conversational warm up before I ask him to cut through my chaos. He looked up and gave me the straight talk like nobody can. Probably 2 sentences worth. That's what he can do for me like no one else. Anyone who knows David knows he is quiet. That means when he speaks, it matters.

Love ya, Buddy.

There is a beep in my house. Every 28 seconds. Not a missed-call beep. Not a microwave-ready beep. A something is going on with the smoke detector in Lily's room and I don't know what to do about it beep. Peep on Discovery Kids doesn't drowned out the beep. (Peep-beep, interesting.) Snoring dog doesn't cover up the beep. Clicking computer keyboard doesn't mask the beep. I fear that fiddling with it will only worsen the beep. But I must try.

David has been working long days for several weeks now, and even more so the past 2 weeks. I say days, although the days turn to nights and he's gone before sun-up and home well after sun-down. I miss him, the kids miss him. They often go to bed long before he's home. There have been several consecutive days he hasn't seen them at all, at least not awake.

These are statements of facts, and a week ago, they'd have been complaints. I'd have been throwing myself a pity party right about now.

Sunday at the Nutcracker, a lovely young mother of two sweet blond girls sat behind us. Her oldest daughter happened to be a classmate of Brandi's daughter so they struck up a conversation. Brandi recognized the family from the local newspaper. Her husband had been in Iraq for 16 months. She put her little ones to bed without daddy every night. He was recently home for 3 weeks and then back off, this time still in the states. Brandi asked if she had family nearby. No, just good friends and a supportive church. Would he be home for Christmas? No, but they would see him shortly after. Not an ounce of self-pity in her voice. She seemed so happy to have had those 3 weeks with him and content to see him after the holidays.

So I won't complain that my husband has been so busy at work lately. And when I feel the self-pity start to well up in me, I'll be thankful for the job he has and enjoys. And I have a feeling that mom I sat in front of at the ballet won't complain either, because just as her story sticks with me, I bet she knows the story of another military wife who's husband won't be coming home at all.

Lily and I went to see the Nutcracker on Sunday, as performed by a nearby community ballet. I thought it was the perfect "first" ballet experience for Lily. Beautiful costumes and lovely ballerinas...room full of other squirming children (making mine less obvious) and very reasonable tickets. Brandi and I took our girls, an oasis of mother-daughter time squeezed into an already full day. I think my favorite moment was this exchange between Lily and Avery....

In hushed tones, as "Chinese" Dancers appeared:

Avery: Are they cats?

Lily: No, they're kangaroos...baby kangaroos...joeys.

I missed this brief, confused conversation but Brandi whispered it to me and we both tried to contain our giggles...the thought of our girls mistaking the dancers dressed in oriental attire for cats kangaroos?!? Who knows what else they thought was going on! I'd love to hear their full interpretation. Lily fell asleep during the last act. Sweet time.

As I read the daily Proverbs 31 devotional this morning, I couldn't help but feel like it was meant just for me. The author, Marybeth, is a stellar woman I feel privileged to know and I immediately emailed her to let her know how much her words spoke truth into my life right now. Then I thought it'd be nice to ask her permission to copy this to my blog but then again, it might take her awhile to reply (mothering 6 can keep a lady busy) and I just had to do this right now, so I am taking the liberty to share her thoughts. Marybeth, thanks for sharing this, just for me...and the thousands of other Not-So-Super Moms who needed permission to take off the cape.


Someday…
I’ll remember to order those cute Christmas return address labels for my cards.
I’ll bake real gingerbread houses like Martha Stewart instead of buying those cheap, cheesy kits.
I’ll finish my shopping early instead of waiting to the last minute.
I’ll hand make gifts for all our neighbors, teachers, postal carriers, and garbage men.
I’ll wrap presents that look like the ones in the magazines, not like a kindergartner did it.
I’ll actually do all those service projects that look like a worthy thing to do.
Someday… is not now.

Whatever season in life you are in this Christmas, embrace it. There will be other times to do all those things you want to do. Or not. Whatever your situation is, trust that God is sovereign and He ordained for you to be where you are at this time, for His purpose. There is something to be gained from every season in life. The trick is to find that piece of wisdom God has for you in the midst of each season.

When the angel appeared to Mary, he told her some pretty shocking news about what was going to happen to her. His message ushered her into a season in life that included confusion, rejection and some pretty extreme transition. And yet, her response was “May it be to me as you have said” (Luke 1:38).

I want Mary’s reaction to be my own reaction. I want my attitude to be one of complete surrender to God’s will, no matter what the circumstances. I want to be able to say with confidence “May it be to me as you have said” instead of whining to God, “Why did you let this happen to me?” like I usually do.

The first step in embracing every season is to let go of our own expectations—even when it means learning to love our limitations. Whether you are struggling with illness, or lack of energy, or a marriage situation, or money problems, or family issues—whatever it is, that is where God has you. Stop trying to be Super Mom or Super Woman and trust a super God instead.

Dear Lord, help me see You this Christmas. Help me keep my focus on You and not on my to-do list. And would you please remind me when I forget that You love me not because of what I accomplish but because I am, simply, Your child? In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Me again...go back and read that a couple more times. Each time I did, something new jumped off the page...His purpose...surrender...letting go of my expectations. Big sigh.