I hope in the next two days I find ample time to blog between house guests and holiday hustle, because I have so much I want to say on the subject of thankfulness that I can't squeeze it into one post. Here is my first:

The Bible tells me that I am fully known. I personally do not fully know anything (except about the moon and dinonsaurs...he,he) but one day I will fully know my God just as He knows me. Face to face. Until then, I am so thankful just to be fully known. It is freedom. If this were not the case, I would work hard to protect my dark, depraved, not so nice, fiery-tempered side. I also would work hard to show my loving, generous, witty side. Life would be a never-ending balancing act. But He knows me, all of me, so I am free. Not free to just be as ugly as I want, but there is such freedom in being loved unconditionally. I hope it makes sense to say I am thankful that my Lord knows just how warped I am, because proving myself otherwise is exhausting. I know for a fact.

When we moved here almost 2 years ago, I expected to face being homesick, getting lost on the unfamiliar streets, learning to accept new TV weathermen and anchors. I didn't expect the deep insecurity that comes with being "unknown." And I don't mean known in the community, as if I'm famous, I just mean known by the people I spend each day with. People who know my quirks, get my jokes, know my history. I came from a tight-knit community made up of family and friends I had known for decades. They knew me, and they loved me as unconditionally as flawed humans can. They knew my strengths and weaknesses, we had inside jokes, it was easy to be vulnerable. There was great comfort and trust in being surrounded by people that really knew me.

I have been truly blessed with a phenomenal group of peers here in NC, far more peers than I ever had back "home." In Florida, my own mom was the only stay-at-home-mom I hung out with, and needless to say, she didn't have little ones anymore. Here, I have the great pleasure of sharing life with many other women in my same life stage. It's a great experience for me and the kids. I've also had the pleasure of getting to know people in the life stages just ahead of mine, they offer wisdom and guidance, and again, it's been a great experience. But I have to admit, in getting to know people and allowing them to get to know me, I have battled the demon of insecurity harder than any other. To prove myself worthy, to prove I am smart and funny and a good mom and a strong believer and a hard worker, and on and on and on. I have been met with tremendous love and acceptance, but I've felt such insecurity rooted in feeling "unknown." I've faced circumstances where had someone known me better, that wouldn't have been assumed, that wouldn't have been said, I wouldn't have been doubted. I'm willing to concede this battle is much of my own doing, my own creation. I doubt I've met a single person waiting on pins and needles for me to prove myself, and if I have, I don't need that relationship anyway.

I share that battle to say, it is exhausting and unsettling to feel unknown, to feel no one really gets me or knows the real me. And as I have fought that battle learning to live in a new place, I have gained a new appreciation, a new gratitude for what it means to be fully known by my Savior. I'm also thankful that I do indeed have peer-relationships that have crossed the line into friendships where I feel vulnerable and loved and valued. God has been so faithful to provide safe relationships. So again, foremost by my God, but also by loved ones, friends and family, I am thankful to be known.