What if...

I've had a short fuse today. Not sure why, not a bad day...actually a beautiful, made for a trip to the playground kind of day. Regardless of how lovely the weather or even how wonderful it was to not wake up to an alarm clock, for some reason, I was just an outburst waiting to happen. And happen it did.

Word to the wise, you never know when my fuse is short, so I would not advise laughing at my 4 year old when he trips in Walmart as his short legs move faster than his body in an anxious attempt to rush to the toy section to spend his Valentine money from Pa & Grandma, and then stumbles down to his knees. I would not laugh if I were you, I wouldn't even chance a smirk. You will leave headless...I.Will.Bite.It.Off. Teenage boys beware, the cruel laughter that may go unpunished in the highschool locker room or cafeteria will be brought to light and scolded harshly (and loudly). Your attempts to demean another human being will lead to your own demise. You will leave red faced, you will duck down the nearest aisle for safety from the stares of others as you find yourself on the losing end of a short-fused mama. My precious son is not one of your loser friends that you can rip on. My son is kind and compassionate and will not be like you. He will help a fallen child, or anyone else for that matter, not cover his face in obvious laughter with that look of smug superiority on his face. His sweet, humble, daddy-looking face won't even own that look.

My fuse is short today because on a good day, I would have considered my outburst in advance and realized that Luke didn't notice the laughter, at least not until his mama shamed some stranger in the middle of the store. I would have realized that him not knowing was worth more than my tantrum. But I've surely made progress in my journey to be more Christ like, because I think I could have punched that kid...but I didn't, so there's a fruit of the spirit, right? Longsuffering is surely a way of saying hesitant to punch someone's lights out?

If I had it to do all over again, I'm not sure if I'd have wasted my breath (and it does take more breath to yell!) on that mean kid. Sadly, because of my brief but lively reprimand Luke may have been more embarrassed. I'm not sure. He seemed unaffected by it all, and Lily seemed very entertained. I hope they at least know their mama thinks they are worth fighting for.

I was just catching up on Kelly's blog, she has post or two about her recent trip to the beach. To some, a beach trip in February may sound odd, but not to me. To me it sounds like heaven. As I read the post, I actually felt my scalp tense and small lump form in my throat, as if I could cry. I don't think I even realized I loved, and missed, the beach quite so much. A trip to the beach is like entering a parallel universe: I'm still me, the world is still turning, but everything feels different. Each day, time seems to pass slowly (measured only by mealtime and naptime), but in the end, the trip is over all too quickly. I love the smell of the beach...a little salty, a little fishy. I love that moment in the drive where you realize you're close enough to breathe in that beachy air so you roll all the windows down (even if it's cold outside). I rarely wear make up at the beach, I like dirty hair at the beach, I love the way a hot shower and clean hair feel after a day on the beach. I love sand. Sure it drives me bananas in the moment but it's the signature of the beach. Unexplainable sand, How'd sand get in here? sand. I love the way a walk on the beach feels like such hard work as you navigate in the wet sand yet the walk can go on for miles before you tire of the experience. Then you realize you have to turn around and walk back! I think the beach is just in my blood. I grew up just over an hour from some of the most beautiful beaches, the gulf beaches. I was born in a beach-area hospital, maybe babies born where their first breath is of salty air just crave the beach in a different way. I'm not fisherman, not a boater, not a water sport fanatic. All those things are fine and good but to me, a beach is a beach, no additives needed.

Beach memories. Day trips as a kid. Aunt Terry loved the beach, she'd pull her low beach chair just into the surf. Surely her heavenly mansion is a beach house. Trips with Amy and her family, her dad fully dressed under an umbrella. Senior year spring break at Mamoo's house. David's marriage proposal at sunset (then he refused to let me wear my diamond until the sand was washed from my hands). Newly pregnant and nauseous at the beach. Lily's first vacation at 4 months old was to the beach; newly pregnant again, but didn't know it yet :)! Sitting on the deck with Sheryl and Mema watching the dolphins in the surf, too many to count, and wouldn't you know, every child in the house was napping! So we enjoyed them by ourselves, dolphin watching never gets old.

Just last year we took our first non-Florida beach vacation and I must say, NC did not disappoint. Sunset Beach proved to be "different" but equally satisfying to a beach starved soul. The waves were rougher, swimming felt more like an athletic sport than a casual dip, but the feeling, it was the same. Maybe even better because of what a NC beach vacation represented to our little family...that there was life, and beach, outside of Florida.

So here it is Februay, and all I can think of is the beach. (Thanks a lot, Kel) A warm, sunny day on the beach would be ideal, but honestly, I'd take it anyway I could get it right now. Anyone up for a little road trip? Sweaters instead of swimsuits, but the sand and waves are just the same.

Conversation between Lily & Matthew (our 6 year old neighbor):

Lily: (with great frustration) My bike helmet broke, now I can't ride my bike!

Matthew: You can ride a bike without a helmet, you just can't fall.

Two issues with my blog are causing me "stress" but I guess if that's my biggest stresser today, we're doing alright!

1. My spellcheck feature isn't working (anyone else having that trouble with Blogger?) Just know that until the issue is resolved, you may notice an increase in misspellings. I don't even know how to spell misspellings...ahhhh, I don't need this pressure!
2. My music is set to "autoplay" but will not autoplay, you have to click the play button...can't figure out what I'm doing wrong!

Rewind to last fall: Lily, Luke and I were hanging out at Elijah B's house while his mommy took Graham to an appointment. The TV was on the Disney channel and Miley Cyrus announced her BIG upcoming 3D concert movie. The moment is ingrained in my brain because I looked across the room to catch Lily's gaze, expecting: Can we go? Can we? Can we? but her actual response was...Oooh, that's a nice TV. Regardless, the same ad played for weeks upon weeks and although I thought it'd be fun, February seemed forever away.

I carried Luke for 9 months...in a womb that had been vacated only 3 months prior to his conception. A tired womb you could say. His labor and delivery was excruciating, short (just 2 hours start to finish) but excruciating...and my drug free body felt every second of it. I sat by his hospital bedside for days when he was 3 weeks old with RSV. I nursed him for 12 months. I've lost the sleep, cleaned the puke, wiped the butt and nose...but one look at that boy and you know he's David's. The red hair, the blue eyes, the fair skin dotted with freckles. The soft spoken word, the silent observation, the love of physical comedy and extreme sports television. His "no hurry" approach to every task, the way he walks, the way he holds his head. Even their little tushies look alike. Strangers stop us to remark on the resemblance. Friends and family have said it since day one. But no one has EVER commented on anything about that child that relates him to me. EVER.

Today as Luke's teacher approached my window during carpool pick up, I could tell she needed to talk. Luke got "yellow" today. Yellow isn't bad (that'd be red), but yellow isn't good. Luke gets "green" everyday. Not today. Today was a yellow day. Luke was too chatty. Too chatty? Too. Chatty. Luke? My Luke?

I couldn't help but laugh out loud a little. Probably not the response the teacher was hoping for. But come on, too chatty? I love it. Love it. Inappropriate amounts of talking? Talking too much? He is mine. It's about darn time.

Elevation had over 4000 in attendance yesterday. This man gave his remarkable testimony of redemption and God's all-surpassing grace, and 50 people gave their lives to Christ. This coming Sunday is our 2nd anniversary. We'll celebrate the day with baptisms and a rockin' concert.

Orange Tour Recap
Day 1:
Gina G$ and I arrive late to find all of the candy orange slices missing, hmmm. A mystery indeed.

Late arrivers have to sit with the boss and behave (kind of).

Bit O' Honey from heaven? Bit O' Honey on yo' fanny.

Great session by Reggie, get ready to go "orange" Elevation (thought you were already, huh?)

Fun dinner! (Kudos to whoever made those arrangements, I've never been in and out of a restaurant with 20 people in such a timely fashion). But what was that on young Keanu's finger?

How many widowers can one JW marry?

Brief-debrief was inspiring, way to to close out the night PMC. (By the way, when you commented on how you knew we'd struggle to sleep I thought to myself, Whatever buddy, you don't know what my Thursday night was like (sick child), sleep will come easily tonight. I was wrong, you were right. Don't let it go to your head).

Day 2:
Cool shirts, but hoodies woulda been great in that meatlocker. Hmmmm.

Late again, crap. Dark Magic is worth it (and we weren't late, we were just in time).

Great interactive "concentrate."Bit O' Honey been lookin' all over town for Teri.

Gotta love box o'chicken and play-doh charades.

Sorry to see the day end, Reggie really brought it home with that closing. Brought it home, as in my home, nailed it for me.

Okay, so that's a lighter-side recap. I couldn't begin to unpack what's still rumbling in my brain, the weight of our my responsibility to be Christ to today's family. Not to entertain, not to offer an "insurance" policy or free childcare. To enable, to equip...to arm. What does that look like? What's my role? Wow. So today I'll just relive the silliness. And may I say, yet again, that I could not handpick a better group of men and women to serve with, really. To be able to laugh and cry and dream with you all. What an honor. And what fun!



Missed you Brandi!

David has been busting his hump at work this week (every week for that matter). He started a new position and he's pulling double duty until his old position is adequately covered. It was no surprise when he called me at 5:20 yesterday to say he wasn't quite ready to call it a day (and he'd been there since 6am). And it was really no surprise when he called an hour later to say he'd tied up his loose ends but the warehouse guys were swamped and he wanted to stick around and help them. He's just that kind of guy.

Today, I'll be at Orange Tour long before he gets off work and possibly home after he heads to bed (that could be a statement on me being out late or him going to bed early, it could go either way!) Tomorrow I'll head out for Day 2 of OT and be gone most of the day. He'll pull dad-duty from the time he gets off today until late tomorrow afternoon and he won't complain. Not only will he not complain, he won't use guilt or pity tactics to passive-aggressively let me know he's not happy that I'm out of the house. I'll really miss him (already do) and he'll miss me but that's just because we genuinely enjoy one another's company, best friends no doubt, and we know weekends like this are NOT our norm.

Just wanted to take a second to let him know I'm thinking about him this morning, and always.

And David, I know you're crazy-busy, but I think you should take a second to find a calendar (do you even have a calendar at work?) and cirlce May 16. I don't know how or what, but let's say we'll do SOMETHING to celebrate 10 years married, and if you plan to be out a day in May, you probably need to prepare everyone at work now. Love ya.