As I truly began to write from an overflow of my heart as I reflected on today being the 3 year anniversary of the day David moved from FL to NC, this post grew, and grew, and grew. So I'm still writing it, but I'm also dividing it, and here's Part One. And I didn't have a title otherwise, so this is really a win-win: a title for me, a shorter post for you :)
I was so wrong about our move to NC. So.very.wrong. I thought I had it all figured out. And as difficult as it was, it really made perfect sense to me. (Maybe that should have been the first clue that my expectations were off track, the "makes sense to me" should have been a red flag!) His ways are not my ways.
But here's what I thought: I thought making the decision to follow God's leading, and move here to be a part of the team launching Elevation Church, was the hardest thing I would ever do. I can't begin to tell you how we agonized over the decision. From the highs of knowing we were on the threshold of seeing God move in our lives like never before, to the lows of knowing we were leaving behind broken hearts who may never understand our decision, it was an exhausting emotional rollercoaster. I was certain that making the decision, and then carrying it out, would be the hard part. Telling our family. Explaining it to the kids. Watching David drive off without us. Living apart for the month of December; David in NC, the kids and I in FL. Saying painful goodbyes to loved ones; avoiding painful goodbyes with loved ones. Then moving here, knowing nothing about the city other than the facts we'd "googled" 100 times. Finding a new grocery store, a new pediatrician, making new friends, unpacking boxes, introducing myself and my children every time I stepped in a room. I thought that was the hard part. But oh, the pay off...I knew the pay off. There would be inexplicable blessings as the result of pouring ourselves into God's work: building a life-changing, community-impacting church...and we'd bask in the joy of living the comfortable but passionate life we'd always dreamed. Just get through the tough stuff and then live in the contentment and blessing we'd never known. And that would show everyone...all the eyes waiting to see if we'd make it, or if we'd made a mistake...that God is good and comes through in a big way for those who step out on faith. It made perfect sense, and so I waited. And waited and waited. I really didn't have a timeline, but I was certain it'd be sooner than later. And so I waited some more.
Then slowly I began to realize that making the decision to obey was not the hardest part. Moving to a new city was not the hardest part. Being unknown was not the hardest part. Homesickness was not the hardest part. Deciding to obey and carrying out that decision was not at all the hardest part. Living in the obedience, continuing to obey daily despite the struggles we encountered...that was really the hardest part. The picture I'd imagined...the picture of the David successfully cruising into a profitable new career, Erin as the dedicated wife and stay-at-home mom, both of us passionately and purposefully serving family and church; Lily and Luke living nothing but a happy-go-lucky childhood. Surely that would be the picture that showed the world, our world, that our "foolish" faith in God paid off, and He really does have big plans for ordinary people. I knew it might not happen overnight, but before long, the initial struggles of starting over would fade into a life where the tough stuff was far outweighed by the good stuff. That makes sense, right? Because why would it be so hard? Why should it be so hard? What purpose would that serve? Why after 3 years would David's job security be so uncertain? Why after 3 years would I be less sure my purpose than when I first started this journey? Why would both of my kids struggle so much with school? Why would they battle so many new health issues here? Why? Surely no one would look upon that picture and say, "Wow, a life of faith is the life for me!" And isn't that the point? To live a life that magnetically draws others into knowing the amazing God we serve?
So where had we gone wrong?
I was so wrong about our move to NC. So.very.wrong. I thought I had it all figured out. And as difficult as it was, it really made perfect sense to me. (Maybe that should have been the first clue that my expectations were off track, the "makes sense to me" should have been a red flag!) His ways are not my ways.
But here's what I thought: I thought making the decision to follow God's leading, and move here to be a part of the team launching Elevation Church, was the hardest thing I would ever do. I can't begin to tell you how we agonized over the decision. From the highs of knowing we were on the threshold of seeing God move in our lives like never before, to the lows of knowing we were leaving behind broken hearts who may never understand our decision, it was an exhausting emotional rollercoaster. I was certain that making the decision, and then carrying it out, would be the hard part. Telling our family. Explaining it to the kids. Watching David drive off without us. Living apart for the month of December; David in NC, the kids and I in FL. Saying painful goodbyes to loved ones; avoiding painful goodbyes with loved ones. Then moving here, knowing nothing about the city other than the facts we'd "googled" 100 times. Finding a new grocery store, a new pediatrician, making new friends, unpacking boxes, introducing myself and my children every time I stepped in a room. I thought that was the hard part. But oh, the pay off...I knew the pay off. There would be inexplicable blessings as the result of pouring ourselves into God's work: building a life-changing, community-impacting church...and we'd bask in the joy of living the comfortable but passionate life we'd always dreamed. Just get through the tough stuff and then live in the contentment and blessing we'd never known. And that would show everyone...all the eyes waiting to see if we'd make it, or if we'd made a mistake...that God is good and comes through in a big way for those who step out on faith. It made perfect sense, and so I waited. And waited and waited. I really didn't have a timeline, but I was certain it'd be sooner than later. And so I waited some more.
Then slowly I began to realize that making the decision to obey was not the hardest part. Moving to a new city was not the hardest part. Being unknown was not the hardest part. Homesickness was not the hardest part. Deciding to obey and carrying out that decision was not at all the hardest part. Living in the obedience, continuing to obey daily despite the struggles we encountered...that was really the hardest part. The picture I'd imagined...the picture of the David successfully cruising into a profitable new career, Erin as the dedicated wife and stay-at-home mom, both of us passionately and purposefully serving family and church; Lily and Luke living nothing but a happy-go-lucky childhood. Surely that would be the picture that showed the world, our world, that our "foolish" faith in God paid off, and He really does have big plans for ordinary people. I knew it might not happen overnight, but before long, the initial struggles of starting over would fade into a life where the tough stuff was far outweighed by the good stuff. That makes sense, right? Because why would it be so hard? Why should it be so hard? What purpose would that serve? Why after 3 years would David's job security be so uncertain? Why after 3 years would I be less sure my purpose than when I first started this journey? Why would both of my kids struggle so much with school? Why would they battle so many new health issues here? Why? Surely no one would look upon that picture and say, "Wow, a life of faith is the life for me!" And isn't that the point? To live a life that magnetically draws others into knowing the amazing God we serve?
So where had we gone wrong?
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December 4, 2008 at 9:45 AM
You are killing me with the suspense- I want to hear the rest. Post it sooner......please
December 4, 2008 at 9:53 AM
Part Two! Part Two! I need Part Two!